SANCTUM SANCTORUM — Doctor Stephen Strange has made known the startling revelation that across 14 million universes, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert bombs in every single one.
The shocking announcement came after several fans of Stephen Colbert came to Doctor Strange for help when they heard the news that The Late Show was being canceled. These fans felt that since Doctor Strange was able to help humanity defeat Thanos in the Infinity War by looking into 14,000,605 possible futures in order to find the one good outcome where Earth’s mightiest heroes would win, he might be able to do something similar to keep Colbert on the air.
“I cast my consciousness into a fathomless ocean of alternate universes, each one different from the last,” began Strange. “I’m sorry, but Stephen Colbert is not funny in each and every one of the 14 million universes I looked into. As unlikely as even I find that to be, in every universe I peered into, that show bombs and inevitably gets canceled.”
Experts stated that if Doctor Strange still had access to the Time Stone and could look into 14 million possible futures like he did in the Infinity War, it might be possible to construct a chain of cause-and-effect in which Colbert stays on the air but remains to be unfunny. In the absence of such an option, the best that the Sorcerer Supreme, Master of the Mystic Arts, and Architect of the Multiverse could do was cast a multiversal scrying spell and look across millions of alternate universes instead. These universes gave no signs of hope for Colbert Nation.
“I’m sorry, but without the Time Stone, all I can do is see Colbert bombing across the multiverse. Again and again. Endlessly.”
At publishing time, Doctor Strange had retired to his Sanctum Sanctorum to pick up his mantle of Reality’s Last Line of Defense as he shields the inhabitants of Earth from interdimensional horrors, cosmic imbalances, and a potential reality in which only GUTFELD! remained on the air.
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